Reparenting

As I rooted around in my mind for the next piece that wanted to arise, the word “betrayal” kept coming up. I went back to a memory I’ve often visited that cuts each time I go there, except this time I stayed in the room and tried to expand the memory. I found new parts, new players, new perspectives. I stood in witness and a new way of seeing arose. I began to shift beyond being the victim; the perpetrators became more… human. The deep betrayal that I felt began to soften and eventually retreated to nothingness.

I realized in that moment that my history was full of moments that I perceived as betrayals. I see how I have operated from the wounding of them in many ways. Each time they happened, my little mind didn’t understand how it could be anything but my fault, so it did the only thing it knew how to do: decide that there must have been something wrong with me. I must have deserved it. As I got older, I leaned on those first perceptions until it just locked in as ‘me’.

And now I sit here, realizing that I was and always have been the architect of my suffering. It was nobody’s fault, not even my own. I feel forgiveness washing through me, out of me. I feel sorrow for the shitty thoughts and the blame. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do. I love you.