Face Your Demons

This is a tough one to swallow, but look around. We are inundated with the compounded effects of generations worth of unacknowledged trauma and hurt. Hurt parents are hurting their children, their communities, their families. Each generation dawning the garb of inherited pain to then pass on to the next. I count myself as having been one of them until I started to wake up to the insanity of it all.

I did all sorts of damage in the first few years of my children’s lives. I carry deep regrets for some of the things that I did. I have apologized profusely to them for my destructive behaviours and I made my best amends by turning inward to confront my demons.

I used to think that the damage done was irreparable. I discovered over time as I brought light to my darkest places that this wasn’t the case. I learned that doing the work is a form of alchemy. It reflects backwards as much as forwards. On the one hand, I created a bond with my sons through this process that feels unbreakable and life giving. On the other, I have found peace with my own father, knowing only love and appreciation for the man he is today.

I’ve often lamented that it took too long for me to get there, but I understand now that I couldn’t have gotten there a moment sooner.

It took the crucible of fatherhood to wake me up to the demons that were pulling my strings. It took the sleepless nights and the incessant sanity shattering frustration of lifetimes of programming coming up against two fresh souls to crack me open.

I am grateful to the grand design for orchestrating a terrible accident when the time was right. I am grateful to my ex when one day she said ‘you need to get help or I don’t know if I can do this’. I am grateful to my uncle when he said ‘hey, you should come to this men’s weekend.’ I am grateful to myself for knowing it was time.

It has all been a beautiful gift to my family and my community, and I’ve broadened the scope of it as I help others navigate this same process through my coaching practice. It is beautiful to witness relationships transform. To see the light shine in places where it hasn’t for a long time. I have seen from this that it is, in fact, never too late to start.

My work is far from done, I regularly unearth new layers of stories I thought were put to rest, but each time that I dig in, I get a little closer to peace. I wonder if it will ever end. Probably not. But as my perception of the world softens, so does my heart, and I think that’s all I’ve ever wanted.